


Exile

by gulfscat



Category: Thai Actor RPF
Genre: Angst, M/M, Misunderstandings, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-11
Updated: 2020-10-11
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:14:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26948044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gulfscat/pseuds/gulfscat
Summary: He is like the sun. So radiant and warm.And he looked at him directly, until he felt the unfathomable pain within his eyes.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 12





	Exile

**Author's Note:**

> hello!! this is a lame oneshot I wrote out of boredom, this has been on my drafts for days and I don’t know how to fix it anymore so here goes nothing. there might be a lot of errors, sorry!! 
> 
> this is inspired by exile, a song from folklore by taylor swift

_I can see you standing, honey_  
_With his arms around your body_  
_Laughing but the joke’s not funny at all_  
_And it took you five whole minutes_  
_To pack us up and leave me with it_  
_Holding all this love out here in the hall_

It was a rainy afternoon when Mew decided to grab himself a cup of hot chocolate at the coffee shop near his condo. He’s been hiding in his condo for weeks, even his mom can’t make him come out. He’s still missing Gulf. Every corner of the room reminded him of what they had, the memories they shared. Every little detail of his condo screams his name. It was a sudden decision to go out. 

He entered the shop and went straight to the counter, before he could pick up his order, his eyes got locked on them, Gulf... and Haii. They were happy. They were laughing, but knowing Haii? he’s not funny. How could he make Gulf laugh? He was in denial. Mew couldn’t take his eyes off of them. He was frozen on his spot. The person he always dreamed of is now in the arms of another man. It was a bittersweet sight.

Flashbacks of their relationship immediately surfaced his mind, he’s the one who made Gulf happy, that was him before.

He grabbed his order and left as soon as he can. He wouldn’t last long without tearing up. Even when he’s in a sea of people, his eyes are still searching for him. How could Gulf move on so fast? The question is always haunting him every night. The image of Gulf and Haii were bugging him. He’s mad at him for being with another man that fast. It wouldn’t sink in, or maybe, he refused to let it sink in. Mew knows that he wasted a lot of chances during their relationship but he wanted to change, if only Gulf allowed him.

The years they spent together, the places they visited, the memories they made and the nights they shared, he wanted to know how Gulf could let go of that easily. While he’s still miserable for being left alone, Gulf had moved on already.

The night of their breakup, Mew could still remember how thrilled he was that night, he was supposed to surprise Gulf with a trip to Switzerland. He wanted to make up for the days he missed. Switzerland, because Gulf dreamt of going there with him. Mew personally prepared everything, he cleared up his schedule, he chose to stay in an igloo when they get there, he picked the date, but most specially, he prepared the ring. Mew was ready to settle down with Gulf. He realized that after missing some important events of Gulf, where in his presence was needed but he wasn’t able to come.

Mew did his research, he picked a date with a higher chance for the northern lights to appear. It could be so strong it might reach Switzerland. It rarely happens, so he prayed for it. Mew wanted the aurora borealis to witness him kneel down as he ask Gulf to spend a lifetime with him. Because for Mew, Gulf is his northern light, no matter where he is, he will always find his way home.

But as soon as he closed the door, he knew something was wrong. Gulf was sitting on the couch, didn’t even bother to greet him. Silence covered the whole place until Gulf spit out words which made his world tremble.

When Gulf removed the knot bracelet from  
his wrist and put it on the table, Mew immediately knew what he meant. They’re done. He could see how badly he wanted to let go. So Mew agreed. The breakup was still fresh. He didn’t want it. It wasn’t a mutual decision, but Gulf had already decided.

Gulf occupied a huge space in his life... and left a void when he decided to leave.

_I think I’ve seen this film before  
And I didn’t like the ending  
You’re not my homeland anymore  
So what am I defending now?  
You were my town  
Now I’m in exile seeing you out  
I think I’ve seen this film before_

Mew was always on the verge of breaking down everytime he sees Gulf and Haii. In a mall, a park, a restaurant, a movie house, regardless of the place, he always feels jealous even though Gulf is already committed with someone else. They were like that before. Gulf’s relationship with Haii felt so familiar to Mew. We were that couple, he thought. Their dates, the way he hugged Gulf, their stares, they looked exactly similar to his eyes. He was like rewatching a film, he’s certain that Haii and Gulf will end up just like them.

It’s hard to see him near, without being able to touch him, to feel him, because Gulf is no longer his. Every inch of his skin is still longing for Gulf. Every little thing around him reminded him of what he had lost. Every fiber of his being is still in love with Gulf.

Gulf is that sad movie which brings an illusion of a poetic nostalgia that might turn into a lethal chest pain and yet, Mew would still never get tired of watching it.

Their relationship was truly something. Definitely one for the books. Fate worked for the both of them. Meeting someone, who became his home and adventure all at once, in a casting he almost missed. It was destined. Gulf, he was the fuel to his fire. His name was already written in his heart. The biggest plot twist of Mew’s life. The longest chapter in his book. Just when he thought that Gulf will be the one to heal the pain from his past, all the comfort and contentment he felt with Gulf felt like a dream now. Like a distant star he won’t be able to reach no matter what happens. Mew lost the rock that kept him steady. He knows that what he’s experiencing will remain painful for some time.

It is difficult to shift from being so closely allied to being an exile, unable to return what they had. Mew had to suck it up.

But if given three wishes, he would wish for Gulf, thrice.

_I can see you staring, honey  
Like he’s just your understudy  
Like you’d get your knuckles bloody for me  
Second, third, and hundredth chances  
Balancing on breaking branches  
Those eyes add insult to injury_

Gulf felt dagger eyes watching them in the coffee shop. He felt frustrated with the way Mew was staring at Haii. Mew looked at Haii like he’s just an understudy, a rebound for their relationship. But aside from that, the longing was very evident in Mew’s eyes, like he still wanted to fight for him. But it’s already too late, Gulf had enough.

From the day after their last shooting day, everything changed. The distance between them is very noticeable. Even before that, his solo destiny event was very unusual. The Gojek event, he was posting cryptic ig stories to promote a river party. But he was really lonely that time, MSS was turning down a lot of couple projects, Mew was no longer going home in their shared condo, they’re not talking that much anymore. He was always the one to reach out, for Mew was always busy. He didn’t care if he looked like a clingy boyfriend to Mew.

He tried to understand when Mew wasn’t able to come to the boyfriends’ press con, he expected him to go because they already talked about that, but suddenly, Mew was booked the whole day, there was a change in his schedule and Mew didn’t even protest even though he could. He just consoled himself, maybe it was a really important shoot, he appreciated the flowers he received, it’s still the thought that counts.

The Smooth-E event, they finally met after weeks of working separately. Gulf truly missed Mew. It was the only quality time they had. They talked after the event and both agreed to stay in their shared condo for the night. Gulf was the first one to arrive in their condo, Mew had to run some quick errands before going home. Gulf prepared a simple dinner for them. He was having a hard time cooking but he eventually got through it.

It’s been a long time since he’ll spend his night with Mew, so he made the most out of it.

He arranged everything. Gulf was convincing himself that he could pull it off even though he’s not a romantic person and not used to surprising someone. He waited for hours, starved himself and lost sleep, only to receive a call saying that Mew’s already at their mansion. Gulf understood him. The next day, Mew apologized for forgetting about him, and he accepted it.

He had given him a lot of chances but then, Mew really pulled the trigger, that was the last straw, when Mew didn’t come to his graduation.

Gulf was always there for him. A little amount of support won’t hurt right? He didn’t need flowers on his big day, he wanted his presence. Gulf wanted Mew to witness him achieve his dream. He wanted to feel his warmth after receiving the fruit of his hardwork, but Mew wasn’t there.

He guessed that maybe, promises are just words. He felt stupid for believing Mew. He wouldn’t compromise his worth just for the sake of having someone, and that’s when he decided to finally end things between them. Gulf chose his inner peace over his happiness, the relationship wasn’t healthy for him anymore.

He loved Mew like how Icarus how loved the sun, too close, too much.

_I think I’ve seen this film before  
And I didn’t like the ending  
I’m not your problem anymore  
So who am I offending now?  
You were my crown  
Now I’m in exile seeing you out  
I think I’ve seen this film before  
So I’m leaving out the side door_

And Haii, he was always there for Gulf. He took care of him, he’s always one call away, he appreciated everything he does, he made him happy, and to top all of that, Haii became his anchor who held him in place during a storm. Gulf knows that Mew isn’t okay about how they ended. But he doesn’t like how Mew looks offended everytime they bump into each other. Mew has to move on. The entertainment industry isn’t that big at all. The fans were hurt about their parting but everyone has to live with it. They need to accept that Gulf is now with Haii.

Every event he had with Haii, he couldn’t help but see Mew’s print everywhere. The Urban Decay live, Haii was resting on the crook of his neck, he remembered Mew kissing his shoulders. The Destiny Live Event, Haii sang the same song Mew had dedicated for him. The Merit Day, he went with Haii to celebrate his birthday and make merits, but he made merits with Mew too, so he couldn’t help but remember him all the damn time.

Gulf always remembers Mew everytime he sees a sunflower, it was like a curse. When he called him his sunflower, he was ecstatic, but now, it feels like a curse piercing through his heart. Mew took down his wall brick by brick, but he also made him build walls again, high and stronger ones, because Gulf didn’t want the past to happen again. Haii wasn’t his rebound so he reprimanded himself from remembering Mew and just focused on moving forward.

Gulf already left the familiarity of what was once a comforting relationship.

Because the sunflower already stopped blooming, for it has lost its sun.

_So step right out  
There is no amount  
Of crying I could do for you  
All this time  
We always walked a very thin line  
You didn’t even hear me out_

_Didn’t even hear me out_

_You never gave a warning sign_

_I gave so many signs_

_All this time_

_I never learned to read your mind_

_Never learned to read my mind_

_I couldn’t turn things around_

_You never turned things around_

_Cause you never gave a warning sign_

_I gave so many signs_

_So many signs_  
_So many signs  
You didn’t even see the signs_

Everywhere, there was a ghost of him. Mew should’ve fought for their relationship. Missing Gulf reminded Mew how much he meant to him. Thinking of having him in his arms again made all his doubts disappear. The proposal in Switzerland, it was supposed to be the beginning of their journey. He was hopeful that Gulf would come back. Even though it’s an impossible thought, he had the tiniest hope. Mew might have broken a lot of promises in the past but for him, their relationship fell apart because Gulf failed to listen to him.

Gulf isn’t the type of person to tell his thoughts. But he tried to change that, because he wanted his relationship with Mew to work. But then, communication is a factor of their breakup. Even though he didn’t fully say what he felt, he gave him so many signs. He was always reaching out. Gulf was also busy but he always showed up on Mew’s events. He showed him that he wanted them to not fall apart. He gave so many chances. Gulf got tired, but he still fought for their relationship. And that’s where Mew failed and lost him.

The knot bracelet, the trust, contentment, safety, it was the symbol of the commitment they had. But now, it’s only a memory to let go of. They were each other’s home, but the flame of the love they had shared couldn’t be rekindled anymore. Mew is just a memory to let go of. While Mew believes that their falling apart happened because Gulf didn’t open up to him, Gulf believes that they fell apart because Mew didn’t pay attention when he tried to show him his heart.

Maybe, fate really works unexpectedly, they were destined to meet...and fall apart. 

Mew went home with his hot chocolate while Gulf was left there with Haii.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading!! feel free to share your sentiments with me, I’ll really appreciate it.


End file.
